Why must he suffer?

In life I have made my share of mistakes and I will own up to all of them.  However loving is not one that I consider a mistake. I may not have loved the right  person at the right time but I have never felt like loving is ever wrong. The only problem with loving someone with every part of you is that when it does not work out you have a hard time collecting your thoughts and loving anyone after that. When I end a relationship I definitely leave a piece of myself with that person a piece I will never be able to get back; and so when I enter into a new relationship I do not have that piece to offer and it hurts. My problem is I enter into every  relationship like it will be my last and I expect so much that when I am let down I have a hard time forgetting even when I have forgiven,.  Now this is all fine and dandy when  I am alone it is when I get involved  with someone else that my not forgetting becomes a problem. I can not allow these issues to mess up the new relationship because what has this guy done to deserve such treatment. He has never hurt me or lied to me he is just trying to get to know me and possibly love me and who am I to stop him. So many times I have treated a man so bad due to what the last guy did and that’s just so unfair.I don’t  want to be treated unjust so I am not going to do it to anyone else. Relationships are a lot of work all by themselves without me bringing old baggage into them.


Introductions are important to me, they allow people to know who you are. So I don’t want to start blogging without first and foremost introducing myself. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I love life and all its quirks.  I am all about self love and pushing those around me to be great. I have had a great life for the most part and my biggest accomplishment is having my child.  I was just in my opinion wondering around life until that day I gave birth.  Giving birth gave me an new lease on life, it showed me how much becoming a mom really meant to me.  I have loved every day of being a mom and really don’t remember life before becoming a mom. My favorite memories are with my kid and looking into those dark brown eyes I see forever.  So as far as introductions go this one is complete, the main points are as follows, I am a mom, a believer in love and the power of positive thinking. I love life and my family is the most important to me. I hope you guys enjoy my journey as a blog about my life and my thoughts and opinion.


1st Time

The night was young and so was she. There was love in her eyes and alcohol in her blood, she was as happy as any girl could be in that moment! She was with the man whom she loved more than anything and he was hanging on to her every word. She could not imagine how anything could make this moment in her life any better, until he said those famous words to her. The words that changed her life forever and made her into a woman, whom later in time she would begin to hate. He asked her what she had been waiting for him to ask since the beginning. He asked her to allow him to MAKE LOVE TO HER? Her head was spinning, she wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol in her system or the love in her heart. All she knew was that for the first time in her life she wanted to give him herself in the only other way she knew how, she wanted to feel him inside of her body and soul. The thought of him loving her made her weak and disoriented. He took her into his arms and kissed her like only he knew how and then she woke up. She sat up in the bed and seen the specs of blood on the sheets and wanted to clean up and that is when she realized that it hurt for her to move. She groaned out in pain and he woke up and asked if she was ok, she asked him what happened and he was in shock. See she drunk to much and lost some huge chunks from the previous night. He had to fill in the blanks for her and she just started to cry, see because she realized she missed the most important moment in her becoming a woman. He was as detailed as he could be but it was not the same, she was so hurt and ashamed that she could not remember how it felt for the first time. He sensed how upset she was and could see the pain behind her eyes that he took the entire day to recreate the first time for her minus the alcohol. He held her the same way he did last night and asked her that loaded question again and this time she was alert and could feel every inch of him as he entered into her. She could breathe in his scent as he gently went deeper and deeper. She could hold him as he braced her as he completely entered her and then stroked her like it was the last time he would ever be inside of her. He was so gentle with her and so attentive and caring it brought tears to her eyes. The love between them was so overwhelming that he exploded inside of her and she followed suit. It felt like her insides were trying to escape her and every breath she took only took her closer to another explosion. She couldn’t imagine a better first time and as he lay there holding her in the aftermath of their lovemaking she knew he would be the one and he promised her that she was the only one. In that moment she knew she was no longer a little girl she was a woman and he had helped her to become so in tuned  with her body and for that she would be forever grateful.  In the mist of all this love making it dawned on her that there was no protection used and that he had exploded inside of her several times. Oh No, she thought their could be life inside of me and she rolled over and looked at him while he slept and smiled because she figured he was her forever so what did it matter if they started their family early. Even though she had become a woman in his and her eyes she was still so young in the mind. He had her right where he wanted her and she had no idea what she was in store for.

I think as I sit gazing, At what’s left of you. You’re at a place marked by a stone And silence serene. To me, you speak, Through the new friends you’ve made, The wind, the breeze or the air. I feel your voice soften my ears, As silence the place. You ask me to find […]

via Lost Love — the deepest of me